I had a thought at one point to do reviews of AsSeenOnTV! products here, since they almost always end in failure, breakage, tears, or swearing. And it’s more entertaining when I fuck up right? I found the Garlic Master in the clearance bin at Kroger and gave it a shot. Five minutes later it was in the trash can and I was laughing about it. I’d planned to write about it, but I could only get as far as “More like Garbage Master, amirite?” when I realized there wasn’t much more to say. And nobody offered me a high five.
I am also a bit of an impulse shopper, in case you couldn’t guess by the fact that I have six or seven different types of cheese graters. We’ll discuss my hoarding another day. Or not. I saw this beauty at Kroger and managed to resist it for almost two whole weeks. It’s just too cute. And it comes with a free gourmet recipe book! It’s gourmet!
I gathered up some little piggies and Pillsbury crescent rolls and got down to business.
I tuck strips of crescent roll into the pig cavities and try to mush it in good to fill all the nose/ear crevices. Doesn’t this sound delicious? Then they each get a little piggy.
Another strip goes on top and tucked in as much as possible and I bake them for 13 minutes at 375. So exciting! I can’t wait to see what they look like!
AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAH! They are horrifying and soulless! They are haunted hippos who wish for death. I checked the gourmet recipe guide for a spell to bring them to life, but alas, it’s only 14 pages, and I can’t help but notice the creations pictured in the book look…well, pretty terrible. I will spare you the turd-like brownie pigs. Mr. Dishes comes in to see what I’m having a breakdown about. He rather kindly opines, “They don’t really look like pigs.” Duh. I’m like, scream-laughing at these.
Nonetheless, I whip up something similar to their cornbread recipe for round two:
Obviously I’m starting to give up. The recipe makes enough for probably one hundred little piggies and needs to bake at 400 for 30 minutes. Since I’m not in the mood to repeat this impending disaster ten times over the course of 5-6 hours, I pour the rest into a regular pan, figuring at the very least I’ll get a pan of nice cornbread.
30 minutes later:
Well I’ll be damned. Little piggies! They don’t quite match the picture on the box, but honestly they’re better than the pic in the gourmet recipe book.
So yeah. This was kind of fun. I leave you with the best little piggy and his cousin, the Hopeless Hopeless Hippo.
Minor edit, because it’s totally true: A friend on one of my Facebook food groups compares the Haunted Hippos to the plaster casts at the Pompeii museum exhibit. I… I can’t argue, or come up with anything funnier than that.
illdothedisheslater 