illdothedisheslater

Q: Why don’t you bake more?

A: Shut up.  Why don’t YOU bake more?

Follow up:  Seriously.  Mr. Dishes loves desserts.  It’s totally a thing that people who cook do.  It would make him ever so happy.  YOU like desserts too.

A:  Because I suck at it okay? Happy now?  

Reply:  Delighted.

No, I am not much of a baker.  I’ve made literally hundreds, maybe even thousands of chocolate chip cookies in my life – they all ranged from meh to fine.  Not terrible – it’s hard to screw them up that bad, but just not… Great.  I’m not going to make some broad, sweeping statement about how there are only TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE – cooks and bakers, because that’s not true, obviously.  But 14 seasons of Top Chef taught me
that the dessert people almost always go home early.  And the non-dessert people always eff up the desserts and head home shortly thereafter.  I’m a non-dessert person I guess.  But I’ve always said that anyone who can read can cook (another blatant lie), so surely I
can follow a recipe and bake some brownies for Mr. Dishes?  Let’s see.

Since I always wake up obscenely early for no good goddamn reason on the weekends, I first whip up two batches of boxed brownie mix just for funsies/I am a crazy person. They are Ghirardelli Caramel Turtle Brownies and Ghirardelli Triple Fudge Brownies.  They are both delicious, easy to make, and generally pretty awesome.  Everybody loves boxed brownie mixes right?

Q:  You had to dig through the trash can to find the boxes and see what kind they were didn’t you?

A:  Yes of course.

I go to Serious Eats first and pick BraveTart’s Glossy Fudge Brownies because they seem pretty basic – no weird or fanciful ingredients, just high quality regular ones.  And I agree with Stella Parks that the crackly top is non-negotiable.  The top must crackle.  Also, it calls for three sticks of butter, so you know it’s gonna be good.  And also because I met Ms. Parks last year, when she stopped by my office to sign her new cookbook BraveTart for a charity auction, and graciously signed a book for me as well (okay,
three, but I paid full retail for them, since I didn’t have time to order them online.)  Lastly, I know I use it an awful lot, but Serious Eats is great.  I don’t always love their recipes (pizza and pasta mostly –  give it a rest with the damn onions and anchovies
already), but the people there seem super nice – write them with a question or comment, and they always reply.

Instead of going step-by-step through the process, which is available on the
website, and written much more concisely than I am capable of, I’ll just hit the highlights.

The butter is browned then chocolate melted in.

The eggs are creamed until foamy with sugar, salt, instant espresso, and DAMMIT as I’m
typing I realize I forgot the vanilla completely.  There is a whole tray of brownies downstairs with no vanilla in them.  I might not be the best food blogger out there, but by-God I’m honest.  And profane.

(Action shot!)

If you’ve managed to avoid drinking the brown butter/chocolate concoction, add it to the eggs, then the dry ingredients (flour and cocoa).  Mix, pour, and bake.

(Hey!  KitchenAid!  Check out this product placement!  Send me some free stuff!)

(Just kidding.)

(But if you really want to, I mean, I guess that would be okay.)

Oh wait – there’s a whole section about how important it is to use a 9×13 aluminum baking pan.  Like very detailed reasons why, and also why a glass baking pan is for losers and will ruin your life, insult your grandmother, and rub blisters onto your pinky toes.  Well my aluminum baking pan got thrown out two weeks ago.  It was a nice one with squishy padded handles that, unfortunately, had reached the end of their lives and were starting to disintegrate.  No amount of washing could get the sticky out.  Fortunately I read the whole recipe beforehand, and was prepared with a brand new baking pan!

(Nelson Muntz laugh).  I did not do that.  I baked it in glass like a loser.

Anyway, after thirty excruciating minutes of letting them cool, here is the result:

Holy cow!  That’s glossy and crackly!

 

They are, of course, delicious.  Worth the extra time and trouble? Well…  I mean…  Sure why not?  A little on the gooey side, but they are pretty damn good.  Now I have to eat something like 53 brownies before they go stale.  C’est la vie.