Remember when to lose weight you had to eat less and exercise more? Ha ha. No, that’s crazy talk. But remember when you counted calories? And then fat grams? And remember when everybody became lactose intolerant for awhile? Because dairy was bad? And eggs were bad and then fat became good, margarine was better than butter, then butter made a come-back? And superfoods went from bananas to cranberries to blueberries to acai to chia seeds? And remember kale? Remember quinoa? Remember when every disease to ever afflict humankind was caused by gluten? And the cure for all that ails you was apple cider vinegar? And then coconut oil? Remember Atkins and South Beach and the Mediterranean Diet and the cabbage soup diet and Susan Powter and Weight Watchers and detoxes and cleanses and Paleo and AIP foods and acidic/alkaline diets… Guh.
Currently two of my coworkers are figuratively starving themselves to death by cutting carbs – the worst of all the diets (worst for me, who cannot stop with the pastas, breads, potatoes, etc.) Their food makes me sad. They eat cucumbers for snacks. A tablespoon of peanut butter is a treat and a cheat. Our receptionist dutifully eats eggs baked in ham cups for breakfast every morning. An accountant has omelets for dinner every night. I’m not making fun of them – I admire the determination, dedication, and sacrifice – all of which I am completely unwilling to try for myself. So this is for them – I decided to make them a pizza. Accountant says it’s the one food he misses most, and receptionist lit up like a damn Christmas tree when I suggested it. Only for others will I forgo my beloved gluten.
But first, some numbers: Yay! Everyone loves numbers and reads food blogs for all that rich, mathy goodness. I visited the websites of three large national pizza chains to see what their carb count looks like – coworkers are limited to 20 g. carbs a day or less. Or less. (Will to live fading… fading…) One slice of regular old pepperoni pizza from a chain has between 24 and 28 g. carbs. One slice! Thin crust isn’t much better, and the ones who offer gluten-free still manage to cram 16-18 g. carbs into a slice of pizza (that probably tastes like sauce and cardboard box).
Pictured above is Almond Flour, and I’m going to be using a recipe called Fat Head Pizza Crust, which the internet assures me is the very best, most bread-like product you can make without wheat flour, and because the nutritional information is easy to find. Oh – there are gluten-free recipes all over the dang World Wide Web, but for low-carb, this looks like the best one.
But first I need to get to know my ingredient. I’ve never used almond flour – pretty much just almonds crushed to a powdery consistency, but with more moisture than flour-flour would have. I make crackers from a recipe on the back of the bag, after a harrowing and frantic search for my fluted pastry wheel (which turned up in the same drawer it always lives in, but only after I’d checked twice already.)
They are… Edible. They couldn’t possibly be described as “good”, but they aren’t awful. They taste like some sort of post-apocalyptic subsistence cracker-ration the alien overlords might give us to keep us from dying while we toil in the mines. Not an auspicious beginning.
The Fat Head recipe for dough is this:
6 oz. grated mozzarella cheese
3 oz. almond flour
2 tablespoons cream cheese
One egg (beaten)
½ teaspoon salt
Seasonings (Penzey’s Pizza Seasoning, don’t ya know. About half a tablespoon.) The seasonings go in the crust, because I assume it will otherwise taste like a paperback book. I do not have high hopes for low-carb cooking.
(I’d love to give credit where credit is due, but I can’t seem to figure out the origin of this recipe – it’s everywhere on Pinterest, paleo-blogs, keto-blogs, diabetic food sites, etc.)
Mix the cheeses and almond flour in a microwave-safe bowl and microwave on high for one minute. Stir, then microwave for 30 more seconds. Add the egg and the rest of the ingredients. Mix quickly with your hands – it has to blend while it’s warm, and also not be so hot the egg cooks. It’s a strange dough – really more melted cheese-feeling than anything else. Because it’s mostly melted cheese, I guess.
The instructions say to roll it into a circle between two pieces of parchment paper, but instead I divide it in two halves and sort of pat it into a roundish shape (on parchment on a cookie sheet). It seems easier.
These rounds go into a 425 oven for 12-15 minutes, or until they start to brown. Flip them carefully and give them 5 more minutes in the oven. I missed an important step in which you prick the dough with a fork to keep it from puffing up like pita bread, so mine kind of puff up like pita bread, but I’ll be damned – that kind of looks like bread.
These get topped with my customary toppings – a simple sauce of crushed tomato and seasonings, mozz and parm, and pepperoni.
(More quick numbers – I’ll keep it short this time – each little 12 inch pizza contains only 14 g. carbs TOTAL.)
The verdict? Joy, disbelief, awe, praise, gratitude. Pretty much a big win. Coworkers who described the crackers as “okay” and “edible” and “technically food” were thrilled with their pizzas. While it doesn’t taste like bread, exactly, it has a bread-like consistency and a cheesy tanginess. It could probably stand up to stronger toppings, like spicy Italian sausage or green peppers (if you hate life).
So if you absolutely have to avoid carbs, which I don’t recommend unless it’s life-or-death, then this is actually a reasonable substitution.
illdothedisheslater 