So yeah. I made Pork Rain yesterday.
What IS Pork Rain, you may ask? Well go ahead.
Pork Rain is an extremely rare phenomenon that occurs only when conditions and the planets are completely, totally, and 100% aligned in a completely fucked up way.
Pork Rain occurs when someone (i.e. me), on the well-meaning advice of a co-worker, purchases their first electric pressure cooker (because the stove-top ones are terrifying), and it was As Seen On TV tm!, and it malfunctions the very first time you use it.
How can you achieve this very rare meteorological occurrence in your very own home? Well here’s how I did it! So I purchased this monster machine during a work outing – after spending a whole week waffling between the ASOTV version and the “name brand” (rhymes with “peas and art”) version.
ASOTV version won out because it promised the capacity for pressure canning – a VERY ambitious kitchen technique I’ve never tried. Plus co-worker said it worked great and she loves it and uses it every week.
So read the instructions carefully – read them twice even. Watch a couple videos on YouTube. Maybe even happen upon the infomercial at some point. It look so easy! Purchase a pork butt, and (following the instruction manual to the letter!) attempt to cook it in your new ASOTV pressure cooker. When the time comes to release the pressure valve, if you’ve done everything correctly, and the fucked up planets are aligned, and the moon is in the seventh house, instead of a hot steam geyser shooting out of your monster, you will get a constant, gentle, indoor shower of hot pork broth. It will rain down over everything on your counter, your outfit, your floor, your oven, and I hear that it might even reach the ceiling if you’re lucky. Mine didn’t get quite that high, but I was able to maintain at least five minutes of boiling hot Pork Rain.
My dog goes insane. She’s dancing around like Gene-effing-Kelly, twirling umbrellas, back flipping off walls and shit, and licking everything in sight. This is her World of Pure Imagination, but instead of a magical candy-room, every surface is covered in savory pork broth.
When the Pork Rain finally stops (and hopefully your tears and panicky hand-flapping, hopping around, helpless tantrum-type behavior), do your best to clean up the mess. Mop up the Pork Rain. Mop up your tears. At some point the dog probably develops a tongue cramp and passes out from sheer joy.
Pack the sticky mess up and head to your friendly local Bed Bath & Beyond, where a lovely young lady named (I swear to all that’s holy) “Crispy” will handle your equal exchange cheerfully and easily. She doesn’t mention how porky you smell, because she’s an exemplary employee. She slaps a “Defective” sticker on the box, and thanks you for your business. Head on home with your brand new Cuisinart Pressure Cooker and try to carry on with your life. It will be hard at first, but in time you will recover.
No pictures. Not a single one. This is not a Dishes Product Review. This is a thing that actually happened. Probably my loyal readers (Hi Mom! Sorry for so many F-words!) assume I sometimes exaggerate for comic effect. Maybe sometimes I do, but not this time. True story – beginning to end.
This is my life.
illdothedisheslater 