Well, I was going to be a smug a-hole today, but I have been knocked for a loop. Firstly, I wrote a long and lovely blog post about what an a-hole I am – it was concise, funny, relevatory, and all things to all men. Feel free to believe that. The post has disappeared and I can’t find it and I don’t know why. It contained a lot of complicated arithmetic, which I will now have to perform for a second time. Secondly, my computer’s keyboard inexplicably started substituting incorrect letters. My “a” became a “q”, the period was a colon, etc. That took about half an hour to fix. So here I am with a working keyboard, finally, and no blog post. So let’s talk beans.
These are cold sesame green beans from the Stinky Health Food Store (SHFS). They are $5.99/lb. My co-worker, Wally the Bunny (I let her choose her own nom de plume), buys these approximately every single day. I look at the ingredients:
Green Beans
Toasted Sesame Oil
Sesame Seeds
Salt
Huh. I’m starting to feel smug. I can do that. I can make those – probably way cheaper. And fresher. And better. You know smug a-holes like me – the type that, oh when you ask them if they saw Game of Thrones this week, they gaily trill “Oh! I don’t even oooowwwnnn a TV!” Or you can’t find your keys and they tell you they always put their keys in one special pocket of their purse so they never lose them. Thanks jerk – that’s really helpful to me right now. Luckily I recognize my a-holish ways before I alienate a friendly co-worker and explain my bean plan. Wally is on board, provided she gets to eat the beans.
I choose haricots vert instead of regular old grocery beans. They are $2.99 for 12 oz. (grocery beans generally run around $.99/lb.), but they are more tender and have a sweeter taste. They are also thinner and more elegant. Yes, I am body-shaming green beans. You are fat, beans. I gather my ingredients:
Beans! – $2.99 for 12 oz., so that’s roughly $.25/oz.
Toasted Sesame Oil – $8.59 for 16.9 oz. Ouch! $.50/oz.
Sesame Seeds – $2.87 for 2 oz., so $1.44/oz.
Salt – This is pennies, I have salt – lots of it – and I’m not costing it out.
Since sesame seeds are not terribly heavy, there’s no way I’ll be using a whole ounce in this. I scientifically calculate the tablespoons to ounces (by dumping them into a bowl and scooping them back into the jar – yay science!) and come up with nine tablespoons. This makes it $.32 per tablespoon. Enough with this tedious math – let’s get cooking.
I blanch the beans in boiling salty water for five minutes, then rinse them well with cold water and drain again. Drain well – oil will not cling to wet beans.
One tablespoon of sesame seeds get toasted in a dry pan until they turn golden brown and smell nutty and delicious. Keep the pan moving almost constantly – one burned seed can ruin the dish.
Once the seeds are cooled, simply toss the beans, seeds, and half a tablespoon of salt together with one ounce of sesame oil (two tablespoons – thanks, Google.) Here we have the finished product:
Lovely! And how do they taste? According to my smug, a-hole palate, I think they are better than what SHFS puts out. The beans are indeed sweeter and more tender (next time I’ll blanch for 4 minutes to maintain a little more crispness), and my expensive oil has a deeper flavor than whatever SHFS uses. My seeds are toasted to a deeper brown, which avoids the sticky, gummy feeling of seeds stuck in your teeth, and they provide a tiny bit of texture and crunch. I think I win.
Triumphantly, I head off to work the next morning to force-feed beans to Wally the Bunny. The verdict? I definitely win. She declares the SHFS beans “officially ruined” for her. Another SHFS type in the office agrees.
Here they are side-by-side; my beans are on the left.
Let’s compare cost now. SHFS sells their beans at $5.99/lb., or $.374/oz. Mine come in at $.317/oz. Another win! I am so smug right now! If I use grocery beans, they will only cost $.12/oz, but I may have to sacrifice a little smugness. I like my smugness, so will stick to my elegant skinny beans.
illdothedisheslater 