Taking a well-deserved cheese break, I decide to cook something cheesy. Falling back on my co-worker’s advice to make “something with meat and cheese”, I turn my attention to calzones – pizza’s red headed stepbrother. Also, for some reason the Parks & Recreation episode where Ben wanted to open a health-conscious sports bar called “The Low-Cal Calzone Zone”, has been stuck in my head lately. With some very exciting basketball on TV this weekend, let’s make calzones!
(Warning: This will not go well.)
I usually try to come up with my own recipes, but baking, doughs, and anything yeasty is still intimidating, so I use the basic pizza dough recipe from The Joy of Cooking. Flour, yeast, salt, and olive oil:
Dissolve one packet of fast-action yeast into 1 1/3 cups of warm water. Let the yeast activate for 5 minutes.
Dump into stand mixer with 3 ½ cups of flour, a glug of olive oil, and a tablespoon of salt. Mix. When thoroughly mixed, turn the ball into a lightly oiled bowl, cover tightly with plastic wrap, and allow to rise for 90 minutes. Catch up on Grey’s Anatomy or Scandal.
Ninety minutes later, the dough is riz’.
You “punch it down” – and I literally do – you can see the mark of my tiny fist of fury.
Then I divide it into twenty four little dough balls, because even though I’ve never made calzones before, I’m a cocky ass and decide to make mini-calzones. Let the dough balls rise for an additional 15 minutes.
Then roll them out carefully and thinly and add your fillings. I use one teaspoon of ricotta, three pepperonis, and about two tablespoons of mozzarella and provolone cheeses, diced. Then fold them into calzone shapes, and pinch the edges shut. (Note: I do not pinch the edges shut thoroughly.)
At the last minute I decide to make six spinach calzones, and whip up a mixture of chopped spinach, ricotta, and parmesan. I make two, forgetting to add the extra cheese. I make four more with cheese. As I continue on through the project, I get both better and worse – some looking like little calzones, some looking like blobby messes. Make a little slash on top with a sharp knife to let steam out.
Into the oven at 425 for 15 minutes.
Aaaaaaand we have a problem. As previously mentioned I did not pinch the seams together very well. Not very well at all. Cheese abounds. It has escaped and oozed all over the place, browning, greasing, and generally being quite the problem child. Alas! Instead of a tidy little appetizer-sized calzone, I have a solid sheet of melted cheese and blobby brown doughy things. Undeterred, (lie – I am totally deterred.) I cut off the brown melted cheese and try to present something edible:
Not bad. They even taste….okay. Not great. The dough is tasteless, except for the crunchy bottom parts where cheese/pepperoni grease added some flavor. There is not enough cheese inside, as it’s all stuck to the parchment paper and pans. I give this a C-minus. I was in the mood for some real cooking – rolling pin, stand mixer, rising dough. But I kind of just made a mess.
Back to cheese next weekend?
illdothedisheslater 