illdothedisheslater

“Life and death appeared to me ideal bounds, which I should first break through, and pour a torrent of light into our dark world.” – Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“Uck!…Horrible!” – my husband.

So yeeaaahh.  My cheese.  When we left off last week, I had two pots brewing:

One made with evaporated goat milk, and one with powdered goat milk.  Let’s crack them open and see what happened overnight.

Hmmm.  Not exactly what I was expecting.  Instead of a solidified disk of cheese in a clear whey, they both look oddly foamy and thick.  But in the interest of science, let’s see what happens when I pour them into cheesecloth and let them drain. First the evaporated milk, for which my hopes are, shall we say, not so high.

Gawd.  That’s awful.  It looks just like mayonnaise.  It’s much thicker and makes gloppy noises whenever it moves.  It also maintains a distressing beige color.

How about the powdered milk?

Hmmm.  Well ride or die, as they say in the cheesemaking world.  (Note: I do not belong to the cheesemaking world.  I have no idea if they say this or not.  I would assume not.)  I wrestle the contents of both pots into cheesecloth bindles and hang them to drain.  The evaporated milk-cheese eludes me at every turn, oozing out, erupting, escaping, and just generally being an asshole.  The results are not pretty, but my hands feel like silk.  Goat milk really does seem to be good for your skin.  The smell?  Not great.

Another day passes as they drain in the fridge, then it’s tastin’ time!  Let’s start with the powdered milk-cheese.

I know these pictures are terrible, but please understand that this entire time I’m completely covered in cheese and whey – like up to the elbows.  I didn’t feel like slicing it neatly onto a plate/butcher block/gingham tablecloth/mason jar or whatever the heck else crafty people do to make their food look pretty.  It was a whirlwind of splashy whey, hand-washing, curious pets, and smearing cheese all over my camera.  Martha I ain’t.

I taste.

For approximately two seconds, it is bliss.  The texture is everything one could want in a cheese – it’s creamy and light and almost whipped in texture.  I am a genius.  Then my taste buds kick in.  It is sour milk with just a hint of goatiness.  I have failed.  Somehow, someway, in a truly humbling display of the power of love, my husband takes a bite.  “Uck!” he shouts.  Then “horrible!”  I cannot disagree.

The process is repeated with the evaporated milk.

My hopes are bottomed out as I take the tiniest little bit of a taste.

Worse.  THE worst.  This is sour milk plus goat, plus feet, and somehow a touch of soap and garbage juice.  My husband has disappeared.  He no longer loves me.  No one will ever love me again if they taste this monstrosity.  I have to hide the evidence.  Some is hidden in my dog, in a humbling display of the unconditional love of pets.  But she also eats cat shit, so I don’t take this as a compliment.  The rest goes in the trash.

Why, WHY did I think that I could create my own cheese recipe?  What the hell was I thinking?  I flew too close to the sun and burned my tongue.

So to wrap up, and answer my own questions – NO you cannot make goat cheese out of reconstituted goat milk.

I live in a landlocked state in the sea of raw milk laws, so my choices seem to be this or getting Craig’s List murdered trying to locate local goat farmers.

I choose murder.