illdothedisheslater

Ingredients:

Four boneless, skinless chicken breasts

Three carrots

One can low sodium chicken broth

One handful of Italian flat leaf parsley

Two cups brown rice

One cup shredded cheese

Two soft boiled eggs

Two hard boiled eggs

I am not a crazy person.  I feel like I should make that clear up front.  I know anyone who does things like make cheese at home and cook for hordes when it’s just two in our house may seem a little crazy-ish, but I’m really fairly normal.  But today I’m making cat food.  For my cat’s birthday.  (And here come the men with white coats.)

I also don’t celebrate pet birthdays (or dress them in sweaters), but I remember my cat’s – you see I saw his birth (horrifying, gross, miraculous), and it was just a few days before mine (birthday that is, not birth.)  My old roommate was a terrible pet owner who refused to get his cat fixed, although she was the neighborhood tramp.  This would literally happen: her boyfriend, a large, rugged looking, tailless tom cat would show up on the porch and he’d delightedly call his cat, tell her that her boyfriend was here, and let her out.   I lived there one year, during which she produced three litters.  Her favorite place to stash her babies was in my underwear drawer.   In a rare instance of karmic gratification, her second litter was born right in the center of his mattress.  I assume he had to throw it out.  I hope he did anyway.

Anyway, my little buddy turns seventeen this week, and it’s getting harder and harder to get him to eat.  He’s still in great shape – can jump a six-foot privacy fence and occasionally  mixes it up with the dog when she gets sexually confused (always).  But we’ve gone from fairly cheap dry food to wet food to only the most expensive tiny cans of wet food.  As I unloaded ten pricey little tins of mush onto the conveyor belt at the grocery once, a little old lady behind me in line asked “Do you feed your kitty out of a crystal bowl like in the commercials?”  Out of every ten cans we buy, he will deign to eat maybe three of them, changing his preferences at every turn, and constantly, constantly demanding more, more more.

Cat food is turning into a $4-$5 a day habit that needs to be scaled back – of course without sacrificing his health.

I know nothing about pet health other than what NOT to feed them.  But I know what he likes – chicken, french fries, Arby’s roast beef – and what he doesn’t, so I’ll start from there.  (Not with french fries, of course.)  Also, he’s seventeen – I’m pretty sure I’m not going to kill him with my cooking.

I dice the chicken and set it to boil, boil my eggs, and half-cook the carrots so they’re tender but not mushy.  I make a weird disgusting “gravy” from chicken broth, soft boiled eggs, and parsley.

Everything goes into the food processor in batches with the rice and a sprinkle of cheese, then is mixed by (gloved) hand until it looks kind of like cat food.  That’s really all there is to it.  This should last a week – maybe two if I freeze some of it.

I know, I know.  Really gross.  I’m sorry guys, for making cat food instead of real cooking today.  But blogging is hard.  I have to think up new things to cook all the time.  I have to do mountains of dishes when I want to sit on the couch and watch Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix.  And I’m really, really hungry for deep dish pizza, which I’ve already written about.  So I’ll take a pass this week if that’s okay.

And by the way?  The verdict?

I think it’s a win.